2024 Review: Well... Look at the Bright Side!
Yeah... YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO READ THIS.
This is going to be a long one. You thought I talked a lot before? Well, STRAP IN. I’M JUMPIN’ RIGHT INTO IT!
How about we all gather around the fire for a quick little ✨Story Time with Hansan✨ It’s actually not quick, but it is very important to the context of the overall theme of the year, so you are required to read it. Please, and thank you.
My senior year at Ohio State in 2023 was in preparation to apply to (and so desperately wanting to secure) the NBC Page Program. If you don’t know, this is a postgrad, rotational 18-month program at Rockefeller Center. I worked at NBC the previous summer as an intern for Seth Meyers, but the Page Program is the next step of the ladder for getting in full-time. Ever since I was a kid, my passions and talents were all rooted in storytelling, and this program would expose me to everything I would have ever loved and wanted to learn. It was ingrained in my brain since I was in 8th grade.
While the program was a true desire that aligned with my skills and passions by the time I qualified, it felt that it was what I had to do to make it in the entertainment industry. I also felt that I had to live up to this expectation that I had been telling people, and myself, I wanted to do for the last 8 years. Every one of my friends and family members knew that I saw this program as my “all or nothing” for my future career. This was like MY medical school. DOCTA SANTO NEEDED TO BE A PAGE!
I was so incredibly excited to apply— I knew everything about the program, had a strong recommendation letter from an NBC producer (which, recommendation letters weren’t even required), turned in everything that I needed right when applications opened, and waited for the magic to happen.
I remember it was the first day of spring break, and I decided to stay home just to regroup and be with my family. While sitting at home, I get a little present in my inbox:
I had to go to the old Buckeye Email archives for that screenshot. I ran to my mom and sister, sobbing in absolute shock. “I DIDN’T GET IT, THEY DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ME AN INTERVIEW. THEY DON’T EVEN WANT TO HEAR FROM ME.” Even they were confused because it wasn’t what we were expecting— on paper, I had all the qualifications. But the decision had been made. I didn’t get it, and it was my only mental plan for graduating.
I was already even thinking at that moment about having to tell the people that I love that what I had been telling them about and working on for so long was thrown in the garbage for me in a snap. I figured people would be questioning it and have thoughts of “… Oh, Hannah isn’t going back to New York. She isn’t who she said she was.” I genuinely had thoughts like that and believed them, even though (spoiler alert) not a single person ever thought that.
I was embarrassed and disappointed but knew my closest circle should know. Everyone reassured me that this was merely a moment for redirection and that I was not meant to be in that program for whatever reason; there wasn’t an ounce of disappointment. As I told more people, I realized that the reality was no one was wondering why I didn’t achieve this specific goal I had, and not a single person was worried about my future. If anything, they were excited because it meant that something greater was on its way— I was called to do something else, even if I didn’t know what yet.
But, after I got rejected and was still given unwavering support, I continued to create this extreme expectation in my brain about how people would perceive me, or how I would perceive myself, if I did or didn’t end up going to NYC right after college. This made the following months after graduating very hard for me and the way I thought about my future.
Instead of moving to NYC, I was serving at a restaurant in my hometown for 40 hours a week to save money. That had been a temporary solution, but it had almost totally consumed the perception of my capabilities; it wasn’t even about the Page Program anymore— it was about proving to myself that I was good enough, capable enough, and worthy enough. I had support from everyone, yet I made this portion of my life so difficult purely out of self-sabotage, even though it was clear I was just figuring things out.
People who knew me best supported my whole “Get to NYC ASAP” journey, but they were also realistic; they made me reflect on whether or not I’d be mentally or financially prepared if I dropped everything after graduating college to move back to New York. It wasn’t out of criticism or doubt in my abilities; rather, it was out of love and care and wanting the best for me. Even if I wouldn’t admit it out loud to those who tried telling me, I subconsciously knew it all along but kept trying to force it.
Well… get this. The WGA Writers’ Strike started the same month I graduated. This put an extra damper on the whole “NYC” thing, whether or not I was there. But, when the strike ended much earlier than expected, I was invited to return to “Late Night with Seth Meyers” on a temporary contract to get the show back up on its feet after a 5-month hiatus. With the blessing of unconditional love and support from friends and family both on the East Coast and in Ohio, I was able to return to NYC and have about 4 months of pure happiness and fun.
It was a really interesting time, though. I was so thrilled, but as time passed, reality started seeping in, and the suggestions and points of reflection that people had been telling me were starting to make sense. During those months during my second stint at Late Night, I tried very hard to find a full-time job somewhere in the city but wasn’t able to score anything. While I did love everything about my life with each passing day, I still felt extremely anxious, and it wasn’t just because I couldn’t find a job. It was because I knew in my heart I was trying to force a part of my life that wasn’t ready to happen yet.
I remember going back to Newark Airport before moving back to Ohio this January in endless tears. I started off 2024 leaving everything I loved and felt passionate about behind, and it felt like I was starting from square one again. I was without a doubt sad and scared, but I also felt a wave of relief.
When I got back home, it was more evident to me than ever that staying home and working to pay off my student loans was the smartest idea. It wasn’t and still isn’t easy, but it would get me closer to what I truly want: to move and build a solid, secure life on the East Coast. I didn’t know what my 2024 would look like, but I tried taking it day by day.
So… let’s say I DID get into the Page Program, or let’s say I stayed in New York after my bonus Late Night stint. Sure, I would have been happy at the moment, others would have been patting me on the back. But if I went to New York right after graduating for good, it would have been an absolute sh*tshow. I would have found a way to make it work, but I was in no way mentally prepared to move across states and commit to this high-profile, 18-month program when I was about to be doing the backstroke, swimming in the student loan debt 10 ft. deep pool. I have friends who are and were Pages, and the time commitment and overall rigor of the program are no joke. It probably would have made me feel worse than what I thought was bad serving at a restaurant every night, even though I thought I wanted it so badly for that moment of my life.
So… why am I telling you this story that was NOT from 2024 but rather nearly 2 years ago? I’m telling you because 2024 was the year that I just started feeling comfortable with the unknown. Emphasis on the would JUST— as in, it’s a work in progress.
If you’re reading this, chances are you either recently graduated college like me, are about to graduate college, or are well into real adult life. I don’t think the transition from college life to post-grad life is talked about enough, and I think it is inevitable for people our age to have some sort of “self-doubt” moment. It, of course, looks different for each person, but it’s like there is this umbrella expectation that we need to present ourselves in a way that is perfected and polished, and it can leave us feeling all over the place. It is good to hold yourself in high regard and high respect, but if it starts changing the way you view yourself for the worse, then it’s a problem, not a source of inspiration. We will get so trapped in our own thoughts if we have that mentality engrained in our little, still-young, full-of-potential brains. You cannot allow feelings of fear, uncertainty, or shame to paralyze you from overcoming obstacles and facing the issues at hand. It will drive you bonkers and could risk convincing yourself that you’re not good enough, and then it will be reflected in your actions or perspectives. I know this because it happened to me in my first year of post-grad life and it SUUUUUCKED.
My brain often wants to try to “fill in the gaps” for missing or unknown information to reduce anxiety about irrational thoughts or a fear of something that I love and care for deeply going wrong, in hopes that whatever thought I’m having can be shaped into a clear, black-and-white conclusion. It’s a type of “control” that just wants reassurance or to know what the HECK is going on, especially for things I want to play out “perfectly.” If there is anything I learned this year, it’s that sometimes, you just simply won’t know what is going on or what is going to happen. You could think you’re doing everything you can to make sure a specific outcome happens, and someway, somehow, the unpredictable will still happen.
This brings me to the title of this blog post: “Well… Look at the Bright Side!”
In high school, I was a student leader of a large upper-classmen religious retreat called Kairos, which means “God’s Time.” During this retreat, many students would open up about their lives, and a theme that would often come up was “Positive Outlook, Positive Outcome.”
If you know me well, you know that I treat optimism like royalty. I am extremely thankful for my ability to be kind, empathetic, and positive in many of my life experiences, and I truly think it is due to shifting my perspective to look at the good rather than the bad.
FOR EXAMPLE! I could have looked at my Page Program miss as a big fat Hansan FAIL. For a significant amount of time, I did, and I honestly still could be capable of thinking that if I really wanted to. But… “Positive Outlook, Positive Outcome.” Instead of viewing this moment as me being unsuccessful, I flipped the perspective and made it a moment of growth, learning, and patience to understand how I can best approach my future East Coast goals.
This year was everything but ordinary for my career, but it somehow led me to managing one full-time job and three side-gigs, which turned into a literal LLC (HANSAN LLC 😎), all of which are creative and taught me new skills that will be extremely helpful for any career I pursue, AND I now can have a second form of income when I go back to the city AYOOOO! AND this year allowed me to tap back in to my creative side by creating and moderating a comedy group with my 5 great funny friends (TBA MOTHA TRUCKAS) and starting THE HANSAN BLOG! HUUUUUUUUGE! Would this have happened if I was living in NYC this second? WHO KNOWS, I DON’T CARE! That’s not what happened, and I gotta go with the flow! AND I traveled so much this year, got to see two of my greatest friends get MARRIED, AAAAAAAND Billy Joel reposted me?! YOOOOOOOOO!
It’s a good idea to have goals in mind for what you want your life to look like, but don’t make these goals the “end all be all” that would make you freak out if they didn’t happen. Sometimes, not achieving a goal is secretly a good thing. For goal-setting, start to think about the general kind of life that you want to live and start showing up for yourself in small, daily ways. We’re all still so young, and we do not have to know exactly what our life is going to look like even a year from now. Taking things day by day and taking action with your life in alignment with what your values are will lead you to the things that you have always dreamed of, even if you can’t have them or know exactly what it will look like right away.
If your thoughts seem rather complex about what the heck is going to happen with your life or if you have to make a total 180, that isn’t a bad thing. It simply means you’re mentally preparing for some sort of transformative moment of growth. That’s a GOOD thing! Even if your situation feels far from ideal, try to create an environment aligned with your values and true passions that will naturally foster positive outcomes no matter what. Find a healthy balance in pursuing a daily life that is practical and aligns with your general life goal AND pursuing a life that will be most beneficial for your well-being and bring you the most fulfillment and love. It can be as simple as saying “Well… look at the bright side!” Ehh?? EHHH??
And you know what pairs well with optimism? Hope! Hold hope with open hands by believing in a possibility while also accepting that the outcome is out of control. This balance gives you peace while keeping that sweet, sweet optimism alive.
Is this easy to do? OF COURSE NOT, YOU BIG IDIOT! It’s so hard! It comes with knowing that many things can be true at once: you can still work towards something while embracing uncertainties and all the ups and downs that come from just being human, or you can make small, effective actions to better your overall life while feeling frustrated with the process and not having everything you want right away. It’s the hard thing to do, but a significant amount of weight will be lifted off your shoulders if you at least try your best while also allowing yourself to fully feel everything you feel.
We are all very lucky to be surrounded by people who simply love us for us, especially at a time in our lives when things aren’t supposed to be exactly in order. People don’t love me because I’m in the Page Program, not because I’m this or I’m that, or you’re this or that. People love me for me, and people love you for you, which is why it is so important to be yourself always. If you ever get worried someone may be disappointed in you for not achieving something or following through with something, just remind yourself that they’d be more disappointed if you didn’t feel worthy or weren’t taking the time to work towards something meaningful or work through thoughts you’re having. Your worth isn’t tied to a specific goal, expectation, or outcome— you’re loved for who you are no matter what, so make decisions that allow you to be you.
That being said, I want to be known that it is easier said than done. You have to allow people to naturally learn, grow, and take action on their own for it to make the biggest impact; I know this because I went through it with NYC. So many people tried telling me that I didn’t have to be in New York this second, but I had to learn it and know it for myself by experiencing it, and I ultimately had to decide to stay in Ohio for the time being. Everybody’s journey is different, so show love and support, but most importantly, let them be. Even if it is frustrating, even if it is hard, and even if you wish there was more you could do about it yourself, sometimes letting someone go through the motions themselves is not only the most effective approach for everyone involved but also the most loving.
A Bible verse I’ve been reading every day to myself recently is Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." God knows exactly what my life desires are, and whether they do or don’t happen is up to His plan. All I have to do is trust that everything happens for a reason while continuing to be myself, work hard, and be kind through and through. It allows things to naturally fall into place however they are supposed to be. It surely isn’t easy, but it makes the unknown quite beautiful and comforting.
So, what do you do when that “gray” area makes you wonder what the heck is going on? Life, people, experiences, and everything in between rarely have a black-and-white explanation and are rather complicated, complex, and multi-layered. You won’t always have answers right away or ever at all, so the solution is quite simple: be kind to everyone and anyone, including yourself.
If you’re ever feeling confused about life, I encourage you to take a step back and listen to your heart. It may require discipline, time, and being honest with yourself and those around you about what you’re feeling. Trust the process and give space for time to work its magic— even if you don’t know why yet, it will be one of the most challenging yet rewarding things you can do for yourself and your future. Things don’t happen overnight, but creating and maintaining small, daily habits will work wonders over time. Look at me! I’m not in New York right this second, yet I am exactly where I need to be. This approach to life speaks to the deepest desires as a human being: to live authentically, feel genuinely understood, and be loved for who you truly are, even in times of uncertainty.
There is this one liquor store in my hometown that posts inspirational quotes on their sign that I love to look at. As I was sorting through photos from 2024 to post on this blog, I came across this one I took in April:
As I’m in this transitional period of my life in Ohio, I hear the most common question from people I run into in my hometown:
“Hey, Hannah! You’re in New York, right? What the heck are you doing here?!”
It’s a question that, I won’t lie, still tries to discourage me. People say it truly out of curiosity, so WHAT AM I GONNA DO? YELL AT ‘EM? It stings to hear in the quick moment it’s said, but I look at them in the eyes, with my big STUPID smile on my face, and I say my default answer:
“No, I’m living here right now! My contract ended with NBC in January and decided to come home so I can work my ass off, pay my student loans, and move back to NYC debt free. But hey… did you see they’re opening up a THIRD Popeyes down the street? CRAZY, right?!” and then I strike this pose:
Long story short: 1. Keep moving, but try to feel comfortable with uncertainties and the unknown 2. Be nice to yourself and everyone else because you never know what someone is going through and 3. LET’S JUST CHILL OUT A BIT. WE’RE IN OUR 20s, PEOPLE! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG! NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON EITHER! GOOD HEAVENS! Work hard, but please be nice to yourself and take it easy. Go take a bath or read a book or do some yoga or something. But not hot yoga because I did that once, and it was not relaxing. I was dripping with sweat, my mascara was running, and my friends and I got margaritas afterward as a reward.
If you’re feeling confused, down in the dumps, or frustrated with your life… I get it. Have this blog post be a reminder that whatever your dreams are, they are obtainable, but it might take more time and extra work than you want, and you might come across unexpected obstacles, and that’s okay. I am incredibly thankful to have been consistently surrounded by people who make me feel deeply loved, supported, understood, and valued my whole life. I can only dream that I make you, Hansan Blog Reader, feel the same way, because everyone deserves to feel it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to prepare for tonight’s “Planner Party.” This is when I watch “When Harry Met Sally” and fill out my brand new 2025 planner every New Year’s Eve. Oh, I also discovered that I like pickles in 2024. Neat, huh? I didn’t like them before, but now I do! SCORE!
Check out my last post:
"If you’re ever feeling confused about life, I encourage you to take a step back and listen to your heart. It may require discipline, time, and being honest with yourself and those around you about what you’re feeling. Trust the process and give space for time to work its magic— even if you don’t know why yet, it will be one of the most challenging yet rewarding things you can do for yourself and your future. Things don’t happen overnight, but creating and maintaining small, daily habits will work wonders over time."
Inspiring and beautifully written Santo!! Thank you for this blog post, it was very nice to read and I will carry the sentiments shared into 2025 and hopefully beyond!!!
Little pickle little pickle little pickle